The simplest explanation for my placement in 8-C, though, is my face. I suffer from a rather extreme facial deformity. A mutation in my IRF6 gene (which stands for 'Interferon Regulatory Factor 6') caused me to be born with a cleft lip, unusual teeth, and a flattened nose. Medical scientists have named my condition 'Van der Woude Syndrome', but most of my classmates just call me 'Monkeyface'. They say it mostly behind my back now, since my twin brother Michael has offered to make their own faces look even worse than mine if he ever hers them say it. Michael and I are not the only twin brothers in the school; Graham and Grant Brush are no longer allowed to be in the same class together, since they used to constantly distract each other and their classmates. Schoolyard rumour has it that, as a team, Grum and Grunt have driven at least one teacher into early retirement. Seeing their barrel-shaped shadows lurching toward you at recess is pure, cold terror. You are automatically outnumbered. They always work in tandem. When the beady black bulldog eyes of Grum zero in on you, you know that Grunt will be right behind him. And vice versa. Unlike Grum and Grunt, who are identical twins, Michael and I are the non-identical fraternal kind. This is a fortunate thing for Michael. Unlike me, he has an architecturally perfect face: sky-blue eyes, wavy dark hair, strong cheekbones, square jaw, and a straight, chiselled nose. He is strong, smart, kind and handsome. Every teacher wants Michael in their class, every boy wants Michael on his team at recess, and every girl wants him to be her boyfriend. Despite Michael’s efforts to protect me from the recess chants of 'Monkeyface! Monkeyface!' it would be naive to not [sic] see the comparison myself. The facial features created by the one messed-up gene are in fact quite simian, and my mess of dark hair and my big brown eyes just add to the effect. So, the kid with the monkey face got tossed into the classroom full of kids with monkey IQs. I’m sure it made sense to the Powers That Be at the Board of Education.
